Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of the cosmos and her crew
it’s our pleasure to welcome you
to this life aboard planet earth.
Your safety during this life
is important to the cosmos and her crew,
so we ask that you give us your full attention
while we explain the safety features of this planet.
While aboard this planet you are advised
to wear a belt, and be prepared to tighten it
should you be advised to do so,
as we may encounter periods of greed.
While aboard this planet you’ll
be glad to know that oxygen levels are
being carefully monitored and maintained
for your safety and well being.
However, should we lose forest cover
oxygen masks will not fall from above your head.
Instead, please immediately leave your seats
and go and plant some more trees.
For your information we will now
point out that emergency exits are
not situated here, here or here as
there are currently no alternative planets.
Should we encounter an emergency,
please assume the position of truth,
keep your feet firmly on the ground,
and use your head. Remember,
there are no emergency exits,
so we must all offer to assist,
and do whatever necessary to
ensure life can continue to exist.
However, should you encounter fear
you will find a high visibility vest
stowed within easy reach
to alert a member of our crew.
Please take the vest,
place it over your head
and tie the straps
around your waist and wait.
If a member of the crew
does not immediately come to you
please blow into the whistle
attached to attract attention.
Ladies and gentlemen we kindly ask
that all minds now be switched to ‘awake’
mode, and remain so unless
advised otherwise by a member of the crew.
You are further reminded that this
is a no smoking planet, and therefore
should you see or smell any smoke
this is an indication of a fire.
Even if you cannot see the flames,
we strongly advise you to listen to those
who can and take appropriate action,
for the safety of all on-board.
This completes the safety announcements
and we thank you for your attention.
Should you require a reminder
you will find relevant books and documentaries
listed in the google search in front of you.
On behalf of the cosmos and her crew,
thank you for choosing planet earth.
We wish you a pleasant life.