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I can hear her. I can hear my fear soothing me, telling me I’ll be safe, I’ll be fine, everything will be alright, as long as I listen to her, because she loves me, and only does what she does because she wants to keep me safe.

I say thanks, but no thanks. It’s time for you to go.

Her tone changes to one of begging. Don’t be a fool, don’t take the risk, what’ll you do without me warning you when you’re stepping outside of what is known and comfortable?

Have a lot of fun, I say. Goodbye.

She becomes threatening. You idiot, you arrogant, selfish fool of a woman, without me you’ll fail and become a nobody who others’ll have to rescue and…

But I don’t let fear finish. In my mind’s eye I engulf her in transformative flames and her threats become first screams, and then, as the flames become an orange glow, I can feel that somehow she’s at peace. She’s better transformed, happier transformed, and has been released into an experience of faith and acceptance.

As for me, I feel a hundred feet tall! A weight has lifted from my shoulders, and every inch of me, every cell in me, wants to celebrate this new found sense of freedom and adventure. The tiredness is gone. The resentment is gone. The lack of motivation has gone, and clarity has returned, for without fear’s endless monologue I can hear my heart tell me exactly what it is I really want to do. And as I follow through, life becomes a miraculous moment by moment experience of what it is to live by faith. With no need for the hunger of fear to be fed by negative thoughts and soul numbing overeating my mind and body thrive and heal. And I feel renewed, I feel loving, but most importantly…I feel me.

I wrote this last Wednesday night, in a writing group I lead when I gave the prompt to find something in your life, something internal or physical, that you’d like to release/transform on the fire. This was to be written in three parts; first, identify and describe what it is you want to put on the fire, second, describe the moment it goes on the fire, and third, how do you feel afterwards. What came up for me was unexpected but felt true. Less than 48 hours later, I handed in my notice…

 

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